Their Crisis Isn't My Crisis
- Wes Arnett
- 2 hours ago
- 3 min read
Author of the Month
February 9, 2026
Wes Arnett, Author
Tom O'Connor, Publisher
Author Wes Arnett is a Category Manager of Recovery Coaching at Recovery.com, a Certified Peer Support Specialist, a Certified Parent Peer Support Specialist, a CCAR Recovery Coach Professional, and a Facilitator. "The Power of Letting Go" is Wes Arnett's second article for the Vital Voyage Blog. Wes also serves on our Editorial Advisory Board.
According to Wes Arnett:
As recovery coaches, we often find ourselves walking with people through some of the most challenging moments of their lives. Sometimes, this includes moments of emotional crisis—panic, relapse, breakdowns, family conflict, or despair.
In these moments, it's easy to feel responsible. We care about the person. We want to help.
But here's the foundational truth: Their crisis is not your crisis. This isn't cold or indifferent; it's a compassionate boundary. It allows you to show up fully without being overwhelmed. When a coach takes on someone else's crisis as their own, they risk burnout, blurred roles, and unintentionally disempowering the very person they're trying to support.
In my experience, a crisis is often a sudden event or emotional experience that overwhelms someone's ability to cope. It might look like:
A panic attack
Relapse or near relapse
An explosive conflict
A traumatic memory resurfaces
Suicidal ideation or hopelessness
It often creates urgency, dysregulation, and confusion. But not every crisis is an emergency. And not every (or even any) emergency requires the coach to fix it. Our role is to be a non-anxious, steady presence—not a rescuer or therapist.
When you absorb someone's crisis:
You lose the ability to think clearly.
You may over-function (taking responsibility for things that aren't yours).
You risk reacting from anxiety, not intention.
You could lose the power of coaching presence—being calm, attuned, and reflective.
*You may also like this article by Rannon Arch
When we stay grounded, it doesn't mean we are detached or uncaring. It means we are sufficiently regulated to be helpful. These are some ways we can stay grounded:
1. Breathe Before You Respond: Use your own nervous system as a tool. Slow your breath. Anchor yourself physically (feet flat, steady posture). This helps you regulate—and it helps the person in crisis regulate too. Before I respond, I can ask silently: "What is my role here? What's actually mine to do?"
2. Stay Emotionally Available but Boundaried: You can be with someone without being in it with them. Use a tone and posture that says, "You're not alone, and we'll take this one step at a time."
3. Help Them Access Their Own Resources: Our job is to help the person remember what tools they already have. We can offer perspective, not control. "What's helped you before in moments like this?" "What's one thing you could do in the next 10 minutes that would feel grounding?"
4. Know the Line Between Coaching and Clinical Care: If someone is in danger of harming themselves or others, or experiencing severe mental health symptoms, your role is to refer, not treat. Know your scope. Have the number ready for your supervisor, a local crisis line, a therapist, or a case manager.
Self-Check: When to Pause and Recenter
Ask yourself:
Am I trying to rescue or control the outcome?
Do I feel personally responsible for their choices?
Am I losing clarity about my role?
If the answer is yes—step back, breathe, and reaffirm your role as a guide, not a savior.
In recovery coaching, your most excellent tool in a crisis is not the perfect advice or solution—it's your capacity to stay centered. You are modeling a new way of responding to chaos: with calm, connection, and clarity. When a crisis arises, remember this is their moment, not yours, and you can walk with them through it. That's enough. That's powerful. That's coaching.
For more articles by Wes Arnett, please visit https://recovery.com/author/wes-arnett/.
You can also email Wes Arnett at https://www.wesarnett.com/
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