The Face of Depression Isn't Always Sad: Mental Health on Holiday
September 28, 2026
Michael Cline, Author
Tom O'Connor, Publisher
Depression and severe anxiety can remain hidden even when someone is smiling, joking, traveling, or appearing to live an enviable life. |
Michael describes surviving addiction and childhood trauma, later experiencing suicidal thoughts, and continuing to face episodes of distress even after a major personal turning point. |
During a trip to Tenerife, he concealed intrusive fears, anxiety, and depression from his partner because he did not want to disrupt her experience. |
His story urges loved ones not to assume that an outwardly cheerful person is fine and encourages people who struggle to speak openly and seek appropriate support. |
Depression Unfolds
Depression in others can be difficult to see, especially when the afflicted party appears to be living their dream life. Dark thoughts and severe anxiety can go completely unnoticed, even by those who are closest to them. Smiles, laughter, and jokes can be used as a curtain to hide extreme inner turmoil.
I'm a survivor of many things: drug and alcohol addiction, childhood trauma, and a slew of other unpleasantness. It wasn't easy, and it took me decades to face my demons. In 2019, despite years of living a clean and sober lifestyle, I slipped into the darkest depression I've ever experienced. Close to the end of that year, I found myself suicidal. At that time, I had no clue as to why taking my life seemed like my only viable alternative.
Peru Trip
In January 2020, I traveled to Iquitos, Peru, to seek out answers. I attended an off-the-grid ayahuasca retreat, and after a few terrifying ceremonies, I was forced to deal with the things from my childhood that I had used drugs and alcohol to suppress. My depression had been lifted, and I had a newfound love for life. That "strange brew" was a lifesaver. This was a turning point, but not the solution. I still had inner work to do.
Barcelona Move
Once back in the States, I set my sights on moving to Barcelona. I was ready to tackle life, live beyond my comfort zone, and leave behind five decades of everything I had known. I was involved in an intercontinental romance with a Spaniard I had met in 2018 while visiting the Republic of Tuva in southern Siberia, and we decided to take a shot at life together. The pandemic made this difficult, but I found a way to sneak into the country quietly.
During my first year in Barcelona, I wrote my first book, a travel memoir about my three trips to Tuva. I had always wanted to write a book, and this dream came true. Although I didn't have a job in Spain, I lived off my savings. My partner is a marine biologist and works at a research institute, so we could get by.
Canary Islands Trip
In 2022, she received a grant to work at a research facility in the Canary Islands. She only had to work a couple of days, and she decided to tack on a couple of weeks of vacation. I still had some money left in my savings account, so I decided to join her. In total, we'd spend nearly three weeks exploring all that Tenerife had to offer.
I was thrilled to have the opportunity to visit this exotic place just off the northwest coast of Africa. With my savings account still intact but dwindling, I figured this would be my last adventure before I had to find an income. My partner and I got along fantastically, and we both enjoyed traveling and seeing new places. This would be yet another "trip of a lifetime," or so I thought.
After my partner had fulfilled her grant duties, we rented a car and mapped out what we'd do for the next two and a half weeks. We booked Airbnbs around the island, giving ourselves a few days at each location. I was excited to visit different parts of Tenerife without having any pressure to rush around. I believed this would be a relaxing trip.
We first focused on the northern part of the island and spent a few days in Taganana. This part of the island is quite green and mountainous, with a feel like a mashup of Peru's Andes and New Zealand. It feels untouched, surreal, and serene. However, to get there, you have to drive on incredibly narrow roads packed with blind hairpin turns. It's not for the faint of heart.
My partner and I took turns driving. Fortunately, I'm one of the few Americans who can drive a stick-shift car, and I've been doing so since 1983. However, driving a manual transmission on these tight, twisty mountain roads requires a very different skill set than either of us was used to. Constant blind turns, along with mere inches of space each time an oncoming vehicle passed us, turned my cool, calm demeanor into a white-knuckle ride.
For the entirety of our time on Tenerife, nearly every driver, no matter who was driving, had visions of us colliding with vehicles, or worse, a miscalculated hairpin turn causing the car to topple over and roll down one of the many cliffs we were traversing. I never said a word about these horrific thoughts I was having to my partner. Lord knows she was nervous enough when driving on what we jokingly called "interesting roads."
My thoughts grew darker every time we explored the mountains near the shoreline. The hikes that led to beautiful, expansive views typically followed jagged cliffs with either broken or nonexistent handrails. I could see one of us slipping to our death at nearly every step we took. No matter how often I shook these thoughts from my mind, they returned a few minutes later. I was standing on the edge, looking calm. Nothing could have been further from the truth.
Throughout our entire time driving, exploring, and relaxing, I never once let on to my partner the extreme anxiety and depression I had been experiencing. In hindsight, I probably should have opened up to her, as she's extremely compassionate and has great insight into personal growth and healing. However, I didn't want to rain on her parade since she was having such a nice time.
To this day, I still have no idea what happened to me on this trip. It could have been some financial stress lingering in the background or thoughts that I didn't deserve a trip like this. To this day, I still haven't quite figured it out.
Barcelona Home
A few days before we'd fly back to Barcelona, these feelings miraculously vanished. I could relax and feel comfortable in my own skin. Fortunately, like most things, feelings are temporary. I've no clue how I managed to hide how I was feeling. Once back in Barcelona, I put in much more effort to see just how blessed my life had become.
Depression has many faces, and it's not always obvious to observers. A part of me believes that I had to go through this uncomfortable bout of feelings to remind myself of where I had come from, as I'm no stranger to depression and anxiety. If I hadn't taken that trip into the Peruvian Amazon, I probably wouldn't be alive today. Fortunately, I haven't had further mental health issues, but this is because I've actively taken a much bigger role in taking care of myself.
If you have friends or family members who suffer from depression, don't assume they're fine simply because they're smiling. For some of us, it's easy to hide behind a mask.
Read Michael's bio and a list of his publications by clicking his icon at the start of this article.
If you enjoyed this article,
Please forward this to a friend or colleague who might benefit from it!
Comments