Learning to Sit With Failure: A note about the moments that don't go as you hoped
- Rannon Arch
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
Updated: 9 hours ago
March 30, 2026
Rannon Arch, Author and Director of Co-Occurring Clinical Services,
Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation
Tom O'Connor, Publisher
There's a particular kind of silence that follows a session that didn't land.
You replay your words on the drive home. You wonder if you missed something important. You feel that low-grade panic creep in: Did I make it worse? Why did I say that? Am I cut out for this? Did I make a tragic decision entering this profession? Are they going to ghost me now?
If no one has told you yet, let me be the one to say it plainly: Failure is not a sign that you are a bad therapist. It is a sign that you are actually doing the work rather than just cheering people on.
Reframing Failure as Information
One of the most useful shifts you can make early in your career is to define what "failure" actually means in our profession.
Failure does not mean that you are incompetent, that you have harmed someone beyond repair, or that you should abandon your instincts entirely.
More often, failure simply means that what you tried did not work in the way you hoped.
That's it.
When you view failure this way, it helps move through the natural defensiveness or shame reaction and instead fosters curiosity about what occurred. Where can you then better ask:
What didn't fit this person?
What did I assume that may not be true?
What might they need more—or less—from me right now?
There is rich data in failed interventions if you know how to access it.
Early therapists often believe they need to project certainty to be effective. In reality, one of the strongest predictors of improvement—especially when therapy isn't going well—is the therapist's willingness to systematically invite feedback from the people you are working with.
People tend to feel more satisfied and more engaged when:
They are asked what is helping
They are invited to name what isn't
Their perspective is treated as essential, not optional
Even when outcomes are disappointing, patients report feeling safer and more respected when their input is actively sought.
This means that naming a misstep, or even wondering aloud whether something didn't land, can more easily lead to a repair.
A simple check-in at the end of the session can do more than you think:
"I want to pause and check before you leave about how this session felt for you."
"Was there anything today that felt especially helpful—or not helpful?"
"If we adjusted our focus next time, what would you want more of?"
I did this after every session with patients, as it ensured we were collaborating in the therapeutic process and getting to the core issues that brought them to see me.
I was surprised by what was shared. It was often the richest information I got from people that I could use to further curate the therapeutic experience.
Processing Failure Effectively
I've supervised therapists for years, and what often derails people in their careers is not the failures themselves, but not knowing how to process through the experience.
Something I use with my supervisors is a simple framework for reviewing sessions that didn't go as planned.
1. Separate impact from identity
Before you analyze anything, remind yourself: Something didn't work. That doesn't mean I don't work.
This step matters more than it sounds. If you collapse a single session into a global judgment about yourself, reflection becomes impossible.
2. Get specific
Vague self-criticism ("That was bad") is useless.
Ask instead:
What exactly didn't land?
At what moment did I feel the shift?
What response was I hoping for that I didn't get?
Specificity turns shame into information.
3. Consider multiple explanations
If something failed, there are usually several plausible reasons, not just one:
Maybe the timing or pacing wasn't right
The intervention might not have matched the stage of change
Patient was tracking something relational, not cognitive, in the session
Holding multiple explanations prevents rigid conclusions like "I shouldn't ever do that again."
4. Loop the patient in
When appropriate, bring the reflection back into the room:
"I've been thinking about the last session and wanted to check in."
"I wonder if I pushed us somewhere that didn't feel useful."
This model of accountability, without self-flagellation, often deepens the work.
5. Be forgiving, not permissive
Self-forgiveness allows you to learn and recover from failures with honesty and humility.
You can't do good therapy unless you take some risks. Sometimes they work out, and sometimes they don't. Living with mistakes and failures is just a part of being a therapist, and there is no sense in denying it. The important thing is that we learn from these experiences, and that can't happen without self-forgiveness.
READ: Joshua Bennett-Johnson's article Why Client Autonomy is Considered Sacred in Substance Use Disorder Treatment
Failure is the Growth Edge
If therapy always feels smooth, I'd venture to guess you're probably playing it a bit too safe in the room. Lean in a little.
Personally, I thrived after failing. It allowed me to be more creative, try new strategies, seek supervision, question my assumptions and worldviews, talk with my colleagues about the experience, and stay curious instead of certain (ego checks are nice).
I think failing in therapy teaches us patience, humility, and the importance of paying attention to our impact, not just our intent.
Most importantly, it teaches us how to stay present with ourselves when things feel uncomfortable, exactly the skill we're asking our patients to build.
So if you're early in this work and finding yourself discouraged, take heart.
The moments that unsettle you are not proof that you're failing.
They are evidence that you are at the edge of learning something that matters.
That's where good therapists are made.
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For more information, Rannon Arch can be reached at
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