Why People Keep Returning to the Self-Defeating Behaviors They Hate

August 31, 2026

Andrew Tatarsky, PhD, Author & Psychotherapist

Tom O'Connor, Publisher

One of the most painful experiences many people have is doing something they swore they would never do again.

Engaging in activities like:

• Drinking too much

• Using drugs

• Binge eating

• Gambling

• Compulsive shopping

• Pornography

• Self-harm

• Risky sexual behavior

The list can take many forms.

But the emotional aftermath often sounds remarkably similar:

"I knew better."

"I hate that I did that."

"Why do I keep doing this?"

For many people, the answer seems obvious.

They assume they're weak, undisciplined, broken, and/or lacking self-control. But what if none of those explanations are true? What if the real answer is far more compassionate, and far more useful?

The Mystery of Self-Defeating Behavior

One of the great paradoxes of human behavior is that people often continue doing things that cause suffering. They know the consequences. They understand the risks. They genuinely want something different. And yet they keep returning to those same self-defeating behaviors.

Traditional addiction models often interpret this as evidence of pathology. Integrative Harm Reduction Psychotherapy offers another perspective.

The question isn't: "Why won't this person stop?"

The question is: "What keeps making this behavior necessary?"

Every Behavior Makes Sense

This idea can be difficult to accept at first, especially when the consequences are severe. But one of the foundational principles of IHRP is that problematic behaviors almost always serve meaningful functions.

People do not engage in harmful behaviors because they enjoy suffering. They engage in them because the behavior provides something important:

• Relief

• Comfort

• Escape

• Connection

• Pleasure

• Numbing

• Energy

• Belonging

• Protection

• Control

Understanding these functions does not excuse harmful behavior. It explains it. And an explanation is the beginning of successful, effective treatment change.

When Coping Becomes Habit

Many problematic behaviors begin as solutions. A teenager discovers alcohol temporarily reduces social anxiety. Someone with trauma discovers cannabis quiets intrusive memories. A person struggling with loneliness finds temporary connection through sexual behavior. Someone overwhelmed by emotional pain finds relief in gambling, food, or substances.

Initially, the behavior works. That's why we continue. Over time, repetition strengthens the pattern as a habit.

"When I feel pain, and I do this and feel better; over time…" The brain learns: "When I feel this, do that." Eventually, the behavior becomes an overlearned habit. A deeply ingrained response that can feel automatic. Even after the original problem changes. Even after the person desperately wants to stop. The habit remains.

READ: The Neuroscience of Habit Change: Why Willpower Fails in Substance Use Recovery and What Actually Works

The Hidden Role of Trauma

For many people, the story goes even deeper. Traumatic experiences overpower a person's ability to cope and leave lasting emotional, psychological, or physical effects. They often give rise to emotional states that feel overwhelming, confusing, or impossible to tolerate:

• Fear

• Terror

• Shame

• Rage

• Grief

• Loneliness

• Emptiness

• Numbing

• Dissociation

Many people don't consciously connect these experiences to earlier trauma. They simply experience overwhelming feelings and find themselves reaching for relief. The behavior becomes less about pleasure and more about survival. This is one reason why therapists often discover that the right question isn't: "Why the addiction?" It's: "Why the pain?"

Why Shame Keeps the Cycle Alive

Unfortunately, many people respond to these behaviors with intense self-criticism. After acting out, they tell themselves:

• "I'm pathetic."

• "I'm disgusting."

• "I'm weak."

• "I'll never change."

The hope is that shame and self-attack will motivate them to do better. But why the shame?

Shame doesn't come from only one place. Some of it comes from living in a culture that often stigmatizes people who struggle with addictive or compulsive behaviors as weak, irresponsible, or morally flawed. For many people, however, shame runs much deeper.

Long before the behavior began, they may have learned that certain feelings, needs, vulnerabilities, or parts of themselves were unacceptable or unworthy of care. The behavior may have become one of the few ways they knew to soothe, protect, or care for those wounded parts. When they respond with harsh self-criticism, they aren't just attacking the behavior—they're attacking the very parts of themselves that most need understanding, compassion, and care.

But shame rarely creates sustainable change. More often, it creates more suffering. And more suffering creates a greater need for relief. Which often drives people back toward the very behavior they're trying to stop.

The cycle becomes self-perpetuating: 

Pain → Behavior → Shame → More Pain → More Behavior

The Missing Ingredient: Curiosity

One of the most radical aspects of harm reduction is its commitment to curiosity. Instead of asking: "What's wrong with me?"

People learn to ask:

• "What happened before the urge appeared?"

• "What was the urge wanting?"

• "What was I feeling?"

• "What need was I trying to meet?"

• "What was this behavior doing for me?"

• "What part of me is living in the urge?"

These questions create space. And in that space, something remarkable happens. People stop fighting themselves and begin to understand themselves.

Why Understanding Creates Change

Many people fear that understanding a behavior means approving of it. The opposite is often true. When behaviors remain mysterious, they remain powerful. When they become understandable, they become workable.

Clients can begin:

• Identifying triggers

• Developing new coping strategies

• Building emotional regulation skills

• Creating safer alternatives more in line with their values

• Addressing the impact of trauma

• Strengthening relationships

• Meeting needs directly instead of indirectly

The goal is not simply to remove the behavior; it is to increase self-care options and choice and make the behavior less necessary.

Returning to Ourselves

People do not repeatedly engage in behaviors they hate because they are irrational. They do it because those behaviors became part of their survival system. Part of how they learned to cope. Part of how they learned to endure pain.

Healing begins when we stop asking why people are so self-destructive and start asking what they have been trying to survive. Because beneath even the most troubling behavior is often a person doing the best they can with the tools they have available.And when we understand that, real change becomes possible. 

Not through judgment, and not through punishment, but through compassion, curiosity, and connection.

---

Read Andrew's bio by clicking his icon at the start of this article.

If you enjoyed this article, 

Please forward it to a friend or colleague who might benefit from it.