How Feeling "Not Good Enough" Drove My Perfectionism

February 9, 2026

Caz Burrell, Author

Kathy Reynolds, Subject Matter Expert

The Hidden Link Between ADHD and Perfectionism

I grew up in a difficult household. My father had exacting standards. Once, my still-life artwork was chosen as an example for the class, but when I proudly brought it home, he frowned. "The grapes aren't to scale with the apples," he said.

He rarely offered praise. Pleasing him wasn't easy, and there were no participation awards where he was concerned. In one way, he pushed me to try harder, but he also taught me that nothing I did was ever quite good enough.

ADHD

It was a difficult message to send to a girl like me, who already felt different. Like many girls with ADHD, I grew up unaware of my symptoms.

Although I did well in school, my abilities often felt mismatched. I was disorganized, forgetful, and usually late, drifting in and out of focus in class. Yet when it came to exams, hyper-focus kicked in, and I became a straight-A student. I spent much of my academic life striving to be perfect. I wasn't just anxious about my dad's response; I was also afraid of falling into the more chaotic side of my personality.

Perfectionism

Perfectionism was a way of trying to control the parts of me that let me down. The parts that forgot the vital piece of equipment, or blurted out a random thought at the inappropriate moment, or zoned out mid-conversation. If I could hold myself to higher standards, I could make up for the areas that weren't so great.

But perfectionism is fear in disguise. It's rooted in the belief that if we can just get everything right, we'll finally feel safe, accepted, and loved. It often stems from a more profound belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable, even shameful. And for many women with ADHD, perfectionism isn't simply about wanting to do well — it's a survival strategy.

Many Women with ADHD Grew Up Misunderstood

For decades, most of what we've known about ADHD has been based on how it presents in boys. Yet boys tend to have more obvious symptoms. They often show more disruptive behaviors, such as hyperactivity and impulsivity, which teachers notice.

Girls, on the other hand, tend to be quieter. In class, we fidget in our seats. We zone out during lessons. We're called "daydreamers," "sensitive," or worse still, "lazy." Instead of getting help, we're often told to try harder, pay more attention, or stop being so chaotic.

Many women with ADHD grow up feeling misunderstood. They carry the weight of that confusion into adulthood, often blaming themselves for what they don't realize are symptoms of a neurodevelopmental condition.

Perfectionism is a Form of Masking

Striving for perfection can be a way to control how others see us after a lifetime of feeling "not good enough." It's actually a form of masking, a survival strategy to conceal our struggles. By appearing capable and in control, women with ADHD are trying to hide the parts of themselves they fear others might judge.

Many develop impossibly high standards to compensate for years of feeling like they've fallen short — the missed deadlines, messy work, forgotten appointments, and impulsive mistakes.

Over time, these experiences shape a quiet belief: If I can just get it perfect, no one will see how scattered I really am. Yet the constant pressure to maintain unrealistic standards often exacts a steep personal toll.

The Dark Side of Perfectionism

Ironically, perfectionism rarely means everything is flawless; it simply means nothing ever feels quite good enough. Perfection itself is elusive, and aiming for it can kill creativity and connection. Instead of asking, "What can I explore in my work?" it asks, "What will people think of this?"

To make progress, we often need permission to make mistakes, to fail, and to play. But perfectionism can suffocate that process. It tells us that our worth depends only on the outcome, not the courage it takes to try.

It also tends to distance us from others. When we're busy maintaining the illusion of having it all together, there's no room for vulnerability or authenticity, which are the very things that make a real connection possible.

In Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (1994), writer Anne Lamott says: "Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life." For women with ADHD, that "voice of the oppressor" is often the one inside our own heads. It's the one telling us that if we just work harder, or achieve more, we'll finally earn our worth, and be seen as "normal".

Perfectionism Can Stop You From Moving Forward.

I've lost count of the times I've abandoned something halfway through — an essay, a painting, an idea — because it didn't feel good enough. When I'm writing, I'll often spend hours rewriting the same paragraph, chasing a version of "perfect" until I lose confidence.

Letting go of perfectionism means breaking a lifelong habit. It's far from easy, but I'm trying to catch myself in these moments and encourage myself to focus on progress over outcomes. I'll ask myself, "Is this moving forward?", rather than "Is this good enough?"

Steven Bartlett is a British entrepreneur, investor, and the founder and host of The Diary of a CEO podcast. He recently said, "The key thing that I've learned in both business and in life is that great work is actually hundreds of good decisions repeated over time." Great work is just good work repeated.

What he means is that excellence isn't born from a single perfect act; it's built through consistency, patience, and persistence. It's the willingness to keep showing up and trying, even when it feels messy, uncertain, or not up to standard.

I think that for women with ADHD, this could be the quiet antidote to perfectionism: understanding that greatness isn't a moment of flawlessness, but rather the accumulation of many imperfect steps forward.

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Caz Burrell writes about women with ADHD, motherhood, and mental health. She is currently a PhD researcher. Caz is also a lover of words and connection. If you want to read more of her articles, please visit https://medium.com/@cazcazcaz.

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