Discover Your Transformation Journey Through Adult Child Syndrome Fire
- Tom O’Connor
- Dec 27, 2024
- 7 min read
Updated: Oct 4
Tom O'Connor, Author
December 27, 2024
Transformation allows people with adult-child syndrome (ACS) to take control of their lives and continue living a life of change. An adult child is someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, which prevented them from fully maturing emotionally. Adult child syndrome is characterized by an inability to navigate adult decisions and relationships due to the long-term impact of childhood trauma.
The term “adult child” was first used by the organization Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA). ACA defines an adult child as “someone whose actions and decisions as an adult are guided by childhood experiences grounded in self-doubt and fear.”
For most purposes, an “adult” is considered someone who has turned 18 years old. Chronological age starts at birth and continues throughout a person’s life. Emotional development, however, has no age limit. Examples of emotional development in adults include effectively managing stress, showing empathy, expressing a healthy range of emotions, developing self-awareness, actively regulating emotions in challenging situations, building strong and healthy relationships, setting personal boundaries, and demonstrating resilience in the face of adversity. Your transformation journey is a deliberate process of radical change that aims to move a person in a new direction and alter the course of their life journey
Recovery from being a child of an alcoholic parent is an ongoing process that requires personal development and self-improvement. It involves recognizing one’s weaknesses and intentionally altering damaging behaviors with your family and others.
Additional Information For You
While the transformation is deeply personal, the willingness to embrace change, take accountability, and seek support is a universal step toward success.
For Me, Born to Run – Run, Run, Run!
I recall when my inner self was a whisper shut out from running away from home to leave my childhood behind. Running away to escape generational alcoholism, running on cross-country and track teams in college, and running!
I recall when my inner self was a whisper, shut out from running away from home to leave my childhood behind. I ran away to escape generational alcoholism, participated in cross-country and track teams in college, and sprinted from one professional job to another, achieving great success in each until I worked to please my bosses. Eventually, I started my own business strategy consulting firm, and after retiring, I dedicated time to self-improvement. Now, I express myself through writing a book, "Discover Your Adult Child: Survival Skills with an Alcoholic Parent," and through this weekly Adult Child Vital Voyage Newsletter, as I transition from one professional role to another, each bringing great success.
I am the firstborn son of an alcoholic father, whose father before him (my grandfather), and my uncles and cousins on my dad's side of the family were generations of alcoholics. Living in this substance-abuse, dysfunctional family was akin to walking through fire, which was an excruciating emotional journey.
As a struggling firstborn to an alcoholic, penniless parent, I transformed that childhood struggle into a series of adult professional successes. Outside of my work life, issues from my childhood—fears of intimacy and abandonment—caused many disruptions in my romantic relationships. The most primitive parts of our brain suggest that safety comes from familiarity. The early romantic partners I was most drawn to all came from dysfunctional families. Because it was a familiar family environment, I could attempt to work through my unresolved family issues by trying to help them escape their dysfunctional backgrounds.
.With adult child syndrome, I was more emotional with my family, feeling impatient and on edge. Outside of my emotional home with a wife and two children, I played the part of an actor at work. I was the typical person with adult child syndrome, trying to be a “people-pleaser” outside my home, setting weak boundaries, and overextending myself to make others happy. This childlike coping strategy of throwing myself into my work became an escape hatch to bury my feelings. It also became a vital way to prove my worth and seek validation from others outside my family
Before I began my transformation journey in 2024. If I kept an emotional well-being report card, I would have struggled with the following:
• Effectively managing stress levels
• Demonstrating empathy toward others
• Expressing a healthy range of emotions
• Developing self-awareness
• Actively regulating emotions in challenging situations
• Building strong and healthy relationships
• Setting personal boundaries
• Showing resilience in the face of adversity.
Like me, transformation is not an instant action or a race but a step—no matter how small—that can lead you through the fire to a safe place full of happy times. My transformation journey is endless and lifelong.
Now, I make inner self-calls daily, acknowledging my needs and feelings, which I once had hidden deep within. My inner self, now singing, has become my path to healing. Create new memories and leave your childhood traumas behind.
Most Important Lessons Learned Running Through My ACS Fire
The most crucial lesson I learned was waiting too long to break free from the survival skills I developed as a child of an alcoholic parent. The emotionally damaging fire I experienced kept burning year after year without me making an effort to address it until I retired from working life. My emotional and behavioral symptoms gradually developed into adult child syndrome (ACS), which, upon reflection, I should have recognized as a young adult rather than as the old man I am now.
I wish I had worked through my childhood trauma earlier, as a young adult, to become a better husband and parent before I married.
.
I got married.
My 2025 New Year’s Wish is for the 20+ million of you dealing with adult child syndrome (ACS) to take the following actions at a much younger age than I did.
You Are Not Alone
Please realize that 1 in 8 children grows up with parents who have a substance use disorder (SUD). Most of these children develop adult child syndrome (ACS).
The most important lessons I’ve learned about your adult child syndrome include its potential symptoms, such as fear of abandonment, difficulty setting boundaries, people-pleasing behaviors, low self-esteem, and their roots in childhood experiences. I also want to share how to manage it through therapy, self-awareness, and healthy coping strategies to build stronger, more balanced lives.
Your Call to Action
Create a Sense of Urgency. Don’t duplicate my ACS performance and wait until retirement. Do it now and make 2025 Your ACS Year! Go to Google and research substance use disorder (SUD), alcohol use disorder (AUD), drug use disorder (DUD), and adult child syndrome (ACS).
Commit Yourself to Self-Care. Stop putting the needs of everyone around you first. Give yourself time to rest, eat healthy foods, and exercise daily. Set aside a hobby you enjoy and devote some time to it.
Get Educated on Addiction and Its Effects on Families. Understanding the ways that a parent’s addiction has impacted your life will provide reassurance and understanding of the ways you have adult child syndrome (ACS) and guide you on your path to recovery.
Improve Key Emotional Development Issues:
Self-Awareness. Recognize and understand your own emotions, including both positive and negative feelings.
Emotional Regulation. Develop strategies to manage and express emotions appropriately, including coping mechanisms for stress.
Empathy. Desire and ability to understand and share the feelings of others.
Resilience. Bounce back from any challenges and setbacks you experience with a positive attitude.
Social Skills. Build and maintain healthy relationships through effective communication and interpersonal skills.
Positive Self-Esteem. Have a healthy sense of your self-worth and build confidence.
Goal Setting. Identify your personal goals and actively work continuously toward achieving them.
Conflict Resolution. Approach any disagreements constructively so that they work for all parties involved.
Define a Goal and Specific Actions to Achieve Each Goal with a Timeline. Setting realistic written adult child syndrome (ACS) short-term and long-term goals and taking specific actions to achieve them is one of the best ways to increase your confidence and take pride in your accomplishments.
Understand the Challenges or Obstacles You Face to Achieve Your Goal. Overcoming ACS presents challenges, including difficulty setting boundaries, over-reliance on others for decision-making, struggles with independence, feelings of emotional immaturity, and a tendency to seek validation from parents, even as adults.
Enlist Family Support. To enlist family support for those struggling with ACS, it is crucial to openly communicate your concerns, educate them about the syndrome, set clear boundaries, encourage empathy, and actively involve them in supporting your child’s positive changes while respecting their autonomy as an adult.
Connect with People Outside Your Family For Help. For most support groups, all that is required to join is a desire to be in recovery as an adult child. Most people join a support group by simply walking in the door of a meeting near them. There are several support groups available. You can find local group support meetings at Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families (https://adultchildren.org). ACA is a traditional 12-step program for people who grew up in dysfunctional homes. There are also Al-Anon and Al-Anon Alateen. Al-Anon is a mutual support group for people who have been affected by a loved one’s drinking. Alateen is a similar family group that supports young people who live with or who have been affected by alcohol.
Engage with a Licensed Therapist. An experienced licensed therapist specializing with individuals addicted to substance abuse and their family members can effectively treat the root causes of adult child syndrome while giving individuals new skills for coping and emotional regulation. Furthermore, therapy can support recovery from anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions arising from your childhood trauma.
Focus on Your Adult Child Syndrome Journey. You will lead a happier, more satisfying life if you follow the previous action steps on your healing journey away from your dysfunctional fire, which has been put out for good. Although this path to your recovery will take you time, as it did for me, the most important thing you can do is now focus on your path to healing and, most of all, remember that you are not alone in your struggle. Remember, 1 in 8 children grow up with parents who have a substance use disorder (SUD). And most of these children grow up with adult-child syndrome.
In this New Year, I wish the very best for you!
Tom O’Connor
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